


made for lovin' you

by showbenis



Series: so much i wanna do [1]
Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Dirty Talk, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Oh also, Overstimulation, Pining, Rimming, basically over half of this fic is sex, but oh god there is so much of it, but then uh also, fellas is it gay to have sex with the evil robot clone of your best friend, i can't find like a general tag for cum play, i forgot some sorry i'm a mess, like god so much dirty talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:20:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27170975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showbenis/pseuds/showbenis
Summary: When Evil Bill shows up one day and offers to have sex with him, Ted thinks it'll help him get over his totally most definitely straight best friend. Spoiler alert: it does not.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Ted "Theodore" Logan, Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Series: so much i wanna do [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128563
Comments: 17
Kudos: 158
Collections: billen ted





	made for lovin' you

**Author's Note:**

> title from kiss' i was made for lovin' you. get it. cause it's. a robot joke. about how they're basically made to be really good at having sex with actual bill and ted like-
> 
> anyways.

The first time Ted opens the door and finds Bill standing behind it while Bill is most definitely still supposed to be at work, he’s mostly just way confused.

“Dude, I thought your shift didn’t end until like, closing.” That’s when Bill smiles - and Ted can tell there’s something off about it. It only takes him a few more seconds, and a very familiar bad feeling in his gut, for him to realize it totally isn’t Bill. Immediately, he shoves the door shut again and leans against it. “No way, dude!” he shouts, shaking his head.

“Ted, c’mon, I’m not gonna kill you.”

“That’s totally what you’d say if you were gonna kill me!”

There’s quiet on the other side of the door for a second. “Okay, maybe you have a point, dude. But ET isn’t even here! It’s just me. Open it and check.”

Ted’s suspicious - but he’s also curious enough to turn around and open the door again, just slightly. He looks through it, and there’s Evil Robot Bill, standing there alone, eyebrows raised expectantly. “How are you even alive, dude?” Ted asks, pulling the door open just a little bit more.

Evil Robot Bill shrugs. “I dunno, duder. We ended up in Hell. We thought it was weird, too, but after we totally kicked Death’s ass at Twister he had to let us back up.”

“You guys did Twister, too?” Ted asks, forgetting his fear for a moment. “Did he make you play like-”

“Like four different games, dude, it was totally bogus.”

“Most definitely,” he agrees with a nod. By now, Ted’s got the door completely open, and he’s leaning against the doorframe. “Wait but - if you’re not here to kill me, why are you here?”

“Made a bet with Evil Ted,” Evil Robot Bill says with a grin.

“Is that why he’s not here?”

Rolling his eyes, Evil Robot Bill finally pushes his way inside. “We’re not like you dweebs, we don’t spend our every waking moment together. You guys are totally weird.”

“We’re not weird,” Ted mumbles, but he feels strangely caught out. “Anyways, you guys are real dicks, what’s it matter what you think?”

“Ugh, whatever, don’t be boring.” With that, Evil Bill steps forward and edges into Ted’s personal space, so close that he has to tilt his head back to look up at Ted’s face. He places one hand gently at Ted’s waist, obviously to try and keep him from stepping away. “I didn’t come here to have some dumb argument with you, I came here to see if you wanna bone.”

Ted does jerk back a little at that, stumbling towards the couch, but Evil Bill holds him steady, keeping him from tripping over his own feet. He can feel himself blushing, and suddenly he’s hyper aware of the way that robot Bill’s thumb is moving back and forth right over his ribcage - right where he’s sensitive. “I - huh?”

“I made a bet with Evil Ted cause I told him that you totally wanted to get it on with me, and he said you’re too much of a pussweed, and you’d never do it.”

“I’m not a pussweed,” Ted tells him, mostly on instinct. With that, though, Evil Bill’s hand pushes up under his shirt, thumb brushing up over the trail of hair on Ted’s stomach, and Ted shivers before he pushes the evil robot away and steps back. “But - no way, dude! That’d be totally weird.”

“Well at least one part of you thinks it wouldn’t be weird,” Evil Bill tells him, grinning, and he flicks his eyes down to where Ted’s starting to chub up in his jeans.

Placing his hands protectively over his junk, Ted frowns. “Dude!”

With another eye roll, Evil Bill sighs and turns away. “Ugh, fine, whatever. It’s only like five bucks, and you’re way too much trouble.”

As he gets closer to the door, though, Ted reaches out and grabs him by the sleeve of his flannel, tugging him back. “Wait! Wait.”

This time when Evil Bill turns around, he seems totally fed up - but he’s still standing there with his eyebrows raised, and the corner of his mouth twitches upwards in something almost like a smirk - and Ted’s eyes flick down to his mouth, and stick there. Bill’s mouth is so nice - small, sure, but pink, and Ted always thought the shape of his upper lip was most attractive.

Ted blinks, and shakes his head, and makes eye contact with the evil robot version of his best friend. “Is this just some kind of joke? Like - evil me is hiding downstairs somewhere and you guys are just gonna make fun of me later? Cause that’s totally bogus, and I’m not gonna do it just so you guys can - call me a fag or something later.”

“Dude, there’s plenty of other shit to make fun of you for. And it’s only fun bullying you if you’re around for it. We totally have better things to do than sit around and laugh about your feelings or whatever.”

Frowning, Ted tilts his head. “Uh - thanks? I guess?”

Evil Bill steps closer again, and this time Ted lets him. “The point is - I’m not gonna go tell your boyfriend or whatever. And Evil Ted won’t say anything either, because again, it’s just totally boring and we don’t care.” He grabs Ted’s belt loops and tugs him closer, and Ted sways into the touch. “I just think it’d be fun. If you want.”

“Bill’s not my boyfriend,” Ted mutters, but he swallows, his eyes stuck on Bill’s mouth again.

Evil Bill just scoffs out a laugh. “Whatever, dude.”

It’s totally a bad idea. Like, sure, Ted’s stupid, but he’s not so stupid he doesn’t realize he only wants to do this because he actually wants to be doing this stuff with Bill. If it were Bill - his Bill, actual Bill, doing any of this, Ted would already be all over him. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? If it were Bill, this would never happen. Bill’s never gonna come home and grab Ted by the belt loops, because even before the princesses, there was that whole thing with Missy. Bill is most definitely into babes - and Ted is most definitely not one.

Evil Bill, though, apparently doesn’t have that in common with his good counterpart. He’s sliding a hand up under Ted’s shirt again, this time resting it right at the small of his back. He slides his thumb down, edging under the waistband of Ted’s boxers, and as he pets over Ted’s skin, his eyes go all dark and hooded, and he bites his lip - like he’s actually into it. It’s obvious from his face that even if there’s a bet or some kind of joke involved, it doesn’t mean that he’s just doing it because of that.

It’s that expression, on Bill’s face, that makes Ted nod, finally, and place his own hands on Evil Bill’s waist. “Okay, fine, whatever, but - how’s this gonna work?”

“I’m totally gonna fuck you, dude,” Evil Bill says with a grin, and then he slides a hand around to the front of Ted’s jeans and squeezes firmly.

Ted moans out loud, almost doubling over as he feels the tug of arousal in the pit of his stomach. He clutches at Evil Bill’s flannel, and presses his face against the soft fabric at his shoulder. “Uh - okay, yeah.”

“Yes?” Evil Bill says, his hand rubbing up and down over Ted’s erection, still through his jeans.

“Yes, please, dude, come on,” Ted whines out.

That makes Evil Bill laugh - a dark kind of chuckle in his throat. It’s the kind of sound that Ted’s definitely never heard Bill make, and it’s hotter than it probably should be. “Oh this is totally gonna be fun.”

He moves his hands up to Ted’s waist and turns him around, nudging him towards the bedroom. It’s the same way Evil Bill had pushed him around the first time their evil robot counterparts had showed up - and even then, it had been kind of a turn on, enough that Ted had thought about it after everything was over, jerking off in the shower still thinking about Bill’s hands and the firm grip of his evil robot clone.

Evil Bill’s hands slip down, now, though, resting on Ted’s ass, and then he squeezes hard enough that Ted lets out something embarrassingly close to a squeak. Laughing again, that low rough chuckle, Evil Bill pulls Ted closer, pressing up against his back, and leans up to bite at his earlobe.

When they make it to the bed, Evil Bill shoves him forward, and Ted falls onto the mattress, squirming around so he can settle on his back. His shirt rides up in the process, and his hair falls into his face, so as he props himself up on his elbows, he shakes his head, trying to see clearly.

At the end of the bed, Evil Bill pushes Ted’s knees apart and stands in between them, looking down at him. He grins and shrugs out of his flannel before reaching one arm over his head to pull his t-shirt off over his head one-handed. It makes the veins in his arms stand out, and Ted just lays there watching with his mouth hanging open as Evil Bill tosses his shirt and hat aside and steps closer again, placing his hands on Ted’s calves to tug his hips closer to the end of the bed.

It’s not like Ted’s never caught a glimpse of Bill with his shirt off, because they’re roommates. But it’s weird to stare - it’s  _ gay _ to stare, so he tries not to. Now, though, he takes a moment to look his fill, eyes tracing the lines of Bill’s hips over to his stomach, to his sides, up to his nipples and his chest. The more he looks, the more Evil Bill just grins at him, trailing a hand up over his own stomach just to watch Ted watch him, showing off.

“Take your clothes off, loser.”

Huffing out an annoyed sound, Ted sits up enough to take off his shirt, and meanwhile Evil Bill starts to unbutton his jeans, obviously impatient.

Tossing his shirt over towards the corner with Evil Bill’s clothes, Ted reaches down and his hands bump into Evil Bill’s as they both work to pull down his jeans. Once they’re shoved down off his hips, Evil Bill grabs them and yanks them down, tossing them out of the way, too.

Ted kicks his feet a little, trying to be helpful, but it just makes Evil Bill grab his legs again, stilling them so he can position himself in between Ted’s thighs, smirking down at him. His curls are a mess, and it’s still daylight out, so the way the sunlight catches on the frizz around his hair gives him a sort of halo effect. Sometimes Ted’s noticed the same thing on Bill - and while it still looks just as beautiful right now, the look on Evil Bill’s face keeps the effect from being anything close to innocent.

When Evil Bill looks down and catches sight of Ted’s briefs, he laughs and tugs on the waistband, letting it snap back against Ted’s skin. “Dweeb.”

“Are you gonna do something or not?” Ted asks him, even though the way his voice is all rough totally gives him away.

Laughing, Evil Bill unbuttons his own jeans and steps out of them, pushing his boxers down at the same time - and then Ted catches sight of his cock for the first time. He has no idea if it’s exactly the same as Bill’s - he assumes it should be, but he has no point of reference. It could be, though, and that’s enough to make Ted sit up, reaching out to wrap his hand around Evil Bill’s hard-on.

Instead, though, Evil Bill just grabs his wrist and presses it back down against the bed, using another hand to place it on Ted’s chest and make him settle back against the mattress. “If you wanna suck me off that bad, you can wait until next time.”

“Next time?” Ted asks, and his eyes flicker down to Evil Bill’s dick again. He’s staring, but apparently he’s allowed. It’s easy to forget, suddenly, that Evil Bill is a robot, because every detail is so life-like. There’s a vein on the underside of his dick, and his erection is pink, ruddy with arousal. It sits there perfectly at the V of his hips, wiry golden curls in just the right place above it, and it even curves just a little to the left, just imperfect enough to be real.

Ted licks his lips, and Evil Bill reaches up, cradling Ted’s jaw in his hand, then pressing his thumb against Ted’s lower lip. “Why don’t you suck on these instead?”

Finally looking up at Evil Bill’s face, Ted makes eye contact with him right as he flicks his tongue out over his thumb. That earns him the first real slip in Evil Bill’s composure that he’s seen. His mouth falls open, watching Ted, and his eyes go all hooded. When two of his fingers press against Ted’s lips instead, Ted lets his mouth fall open and he laps at Evil Bill’s fingertips before he ducks his head and takes his fingers into his mouth, curling his tongue around them.

“You love this, don’t you?” Ted hums around Evil Bill’s fingers, and grazes them just slightly with his teeth, but doesn’t pull back.

After a moment, Ted notices the mattress shifting, and blinks as he makes a questioning kind of sound.

Grinning, Evil Bill pulls his free hand back and wiggles a little bottle of lube right at the edge of Ted’s vision. “Knew you’d have some around here for when you jerk off. Now I’m gonna use it to fuck you.”

Ted whines a little, but it’s muffled by the fingers still in his mouth. That makes Evil Bill finally pull his fingers back, and he gets on his knees at the end of the bed, tugging Ted’s briefs off and tossing them back over his shoulder. “What are you gonna-” Ted asks, but he cuts himself off with a moan as Evil Bill presses his two fingers, still damp with Ted’s spit, right behind Ted’s balls. He slides them back, slowly, until he can circle them around Ted’s hole, massaging gently.

“You ever do this? Play with yourself? I totally bet you do.”

“In - in the shower sometimes,” Ted admits, his eyes stuck on Bill’s face, on those familiar hooded eyes, dark with arousal, peering up at him from between his thighs.

“Do you think about him while you do it?”

Evil Bill’s other hand hooks under one of Ted’s thighs, pushing his leg up and back so that Ted’s hips tilt up, and he can get a better look. Ted whines, and throws his head back, overwhelmed. Evil Bill keeps circling his fingers, just barely pressing in, and Ted curls his toes against the mattress, trying to keep himself from bucking up into Evil Bill’s touch and seeming any more desperate than he already does.

“Yeah,” Ted chokes out, turning his head to press his face against the sheets. They’re cool against his flushed face, and he nuzzles into them, using the friction of the fabric on his skin to ground himself. “I - found this tape one time, at the video store, I didn’t realize it was gay porn til I got it home, and I never told him about it, but I - I wanted to try it, and I kept thinking about - his fingers. Yours.”

That earns him a chuckle - and more importantly, a single finger, pressing inside. It’s rougher with just Ted’s own spit easing the way, but the friction is a new sensation, and that combined with the fact that it’s Bill’s finger, the shape of it so different from his own, makes Ted arch up, his back pressing up off the mattress for just a moment.

“Dude-”

“You know, the noises you make are totally hot, cause you’re way more desperate than ET,” Evil Bill tells him. He pulls out his finger, and Ted whines in response - but it’s back after just a moment, cold and slick now so it slides easily as he pushes back in. “But you talk way too much.” He punctuates this with a press of his finger, hooking it so it hits Ted in just the right spot.

Ted moans, and squirms again, tossing his head against the bed and feeling the way his hair shifts against it, every sensation on his too-warm skin swirling with the heat in the pit of his stomach. His cock is up against his belly, drooling precum onto his skin, only getting worse as Evil Bill starts to finger-fuck him in earnest.

As soon as it seems like Evil Bill thinks he’s slick enough, he presses another finger inside, thrusting in quickly and relentlessly, barely giving Ted time to adjust before he goes right back to working him over.

“Bet you never get off like this cause your totally weak fingers cramp up,” Evil Bill says, pausing in his motions just long enough to get up onto the bed, pulling Ted’s hips up into his lap, one arm wrapped around Ted’s thigh. “I can go as long as I want, though. I bet I could even make you come more than once, just keep going til you’re totally fucked out and just leave you here to sleep it off.” He hooks his fingers again, just massaging directly over Ted’s prostate. Ted can feel his cock twitch, and he bucks his hips up as he moans. “You’d look pretty all worn out and covered in cum,” Evil Bill tells him with a grin. He spreads his legs between Ted’s to keep Ted’s hips from moving, and then wraps his free hand around Ted’s cock, pulling his foreskin back to rub his thumb right over the head.

Ted feels the knot in his stomach tighten, and he tosses his head back, his mouth falling open. He tries to moan, or cry out some kind of warning, but instead, he just gasps and bucks his hips up again as he comes, spilling all over Evil Bill’s hand and his own chest and stomach as Evil Bill starts to laugh.

“Ted, dude, I didn’t even have to try that hard.”

Evil Bill’s fingers are still tucked inside him, but for now, he’s stopped moving them. He only squeezes Ted’s cock once more, gently, and then lets go.

Ted groans, and tilts his head enough to open one eye, looking at Evil Bill still leaning up over him. “Gimme a break, dude, that was my first time.”

“Can’t believe you guys never got a home run with those princesses. Seems like a total waste.”

Coming back to himself, Ted pushes his own hair out his face and frowns. “Don’t talk about them like that. Our breakup was a most respectful mutual decision.”

“Gross. Keep that up and you’ll totally kill the mood, dork.” Evil Bill finally pulls out his fingers, leaving Ted feeling loose and open - and he whines at the loss. Instead of fully pulling away, though, Evil Bill traces his fingers around Ted’s hole and grins. “You still want me to fuck you? Or you want me to jerk it until I come all over your face? Or maybe your tits?” With that, he slides his hand up Ted’s torso, through the mess on his chest, and pinches at one of his nipples.

Ted arches up into the touch, only managing to make a couple of incoherent noises before he gasps and bites his lip, trying to collect himself. “I want - I want you to fuck me, please, dude,” he finally pants out, and Evil Bill rubs over his nipple again in response, hard enough to make Ted let out another little high-pitched sound.

“Figures you’d be desperate for my cock.” Using the hand still covered in Ted’s cum, he jerks himself for just a couple of strokes, just enough that he’s slicked up. Then, with one hand on Ted’s hip to get him in position, he rubs the head of his cock against Ted’s hole so it catches on the rim a couple of times, teasing.

Frustrated and still over-sensitive, Ted shivers and tries to push his hips down, but Evil Bill’s got a firm grip on his hip bone, maybe tight enough to bruise, and Ted basically can’t move at all - which makes his cock twitch even while he’s still recovering from his last orgasm. “Dude, come on, please-”

With that, Evil Bill starts to press in. It’s a stretch, more than anything, and Ted feels so full as Evil Bill slides all the way in that he can practically feel it in the back of his throat. He’s already so sensitive after just having gotten off, but now having Evil Bill inside him, all the way in, he’s overheated and desperate, squirming so hard he can feel the sheets bunching up under his back.

“Please,” he gasps out mindlessly, “Please, just- something.”

Evil Bill pulls out and then snaps his hips forward, almost hard enough to hurt, and Ted shouts. The thrust isn’t anywhere near his prostate, and if it was he couldn’t take it, but the slide itself is already doing something, making Ted’s still-soft cock twitch again where it’s resting against his thigh.

“You’re even louder than I expected,” Evil Bill tells him, slowly starting to move his hips, thrusting with a steady rhythm, deep and consistent. “I knew you’d be whiny, but I didn’t even know I could make you scream. Bet I can, though.”

Ted opens his mouth to try and make some kind of comeback, but all he can do is moan as Evil Bill snaps his hips forward again. He’s already so loose-limbed that he feels totally useless, legs splayed out on either side of Evil Bill’s hips, head tilted back towards the ceiling. He spreads his arms out and grabs at the sheets, twisting his fingers in the fabric to try and get any kind of leverage so the thrusts don’t just shove him up the bed.

None of this seems to discourage Evil Bill, though, who just tightens his grip on Ted’s hips and tugs him forward to meet every thrust. If anything, it seems like he’s into Ted being so flushed and overstimulated that he can’t even speak. “You know, the most excellent thing is that I can pretty much come whenever I want. If I wanted to, I could get off right now and just leave you hanging,” he says. To emphasize it, he pulls back, far enough that the head of his cock is pressed just inside, teasing at Ted’s rim again. When Ted whines, though, he pushes back in, laughing. “But I think instead I’m gonna see how fast you can come again. And maybe next time, I’ll just fuck you as long as I want, and see how many times you can come in one night. We don’t have time today before that good me gets back, but some time, I bet I could get you off at least three times. Maybe four. We could try it anyways, fuck you til you’re practically crying, til you’re so worn out you just pass out all sweaty, still covered in your own cum. What do you think?”

That gets another whine out of Ted - and his cock twitches again, starting to chub up. Evil Bill grins and moves one of his hands so he can gently trail his finger up the length of it.

“Would you look at that? Guess you are into it, huh, dweeb?”

Still thrusting at a slow, steady pace, Evil Bill moves his free hand up to play with Ted’s nipples again, circling around one and then flicking it, then pinching the other. He goes back and forth, switching between them until Ted is fully hard again, his cock slapping up against his stomach as Evil Bill gives him another particularly hard thrust.

Once he notices, Evil Bill grins and adjusts his position, pushing Ted’s leg up further to tilt his hips so he can get a better angle. Then he ducks his head, licks over one of Ted’s reddened nipples, and thrusts forward so he perfectly brushes Ted’s prostate.

The combination actually is enough to make Ted shout - although he has no idea what he’s shouting, hardly able to keep his mouth closed as he pants and whines, some kind of quiet sound escaping him every time Evil Bill pushes forward.

When he forces himself to look down, he sees the familiar golden curls at the top of Evil Bill’s head. It’s already enough to make him twitch again - but then Evil Bill looks up, meeting his eyes, and smirks at him, still pushing forward, somehow getting the perfect angle on every single thrust, never letting up.

Ted gasps out something close to Bill’s name, and Evil Bill reaches down and grabs Ted’s hands, forcing them over his head, holding his wrists there. He has to lean up far enough he’s practically got Ted’s knees pressed against his chest - but feeling so held there, surrounded by Bill’s arms, caged in by his hips, it just drives Ted closer to the edge again.

“Go ahead, say my name, do it. Let me hear it while you make a mess of yourself all over again.”

“B-  _ hn _ \- Bill-” Ted pants out, way too far gone to bother with the evil prefix, barely able to make himself get even that out. As he does, he finally lets go of the sheets with one hand to bring it up and place it in Evil Bill’s hair instead, tugging him down closer.

Evil Bill takes the hint, but instead of pressing his lips against Ted’s, he leans down and licks at Ted’s neck, then moves again to bite down on his collarbone. The press of teeth, another particularly hard thrust, and another low chuckle from Evil Bill makes him arch up again, practically screaming as he comes, his cock pulsing, untouched, in the space between their bodies.

Ted feels like there’s a rushing in his ears, and as he slowly comes back to himself, he realizes tears have leaked from the corners of his eyes. He blinks, and stretches out his legs, and looks up to find Evil Bill, straddling his chest, jerking off.

Just watching Bill’s hand move over his cock feels like enough of a show to stick in Ted’s dreams for months to come. The tendons on the back of his hand stand out, as do the veins in his arm. Ted follows the lines up his arm to his chest, and his face - the way his head is thrown back, his neck on display. Ted stares with his mouth open, and makes a quiet, desperate sound even though he’s just finished coming for the second time that afternoon.

“Where do you want it?” Evil Bill asks, looking back down at Ted and smirking at the look on his face.

Something about having Bill’s cock so close - even if it isn’t really Bill’s - makes Ted want things he had no idea he wanted. “Just - come on my face, dude,” Ted tells him, closing his eyes while he lets his mouth stay open.

He has no idea what robot cum is even going to taste like - but he wants to see, wants to taste it, just in case it might taste anything like Bill.

He feels the warmth hit his face in streaks, trailing over his mouth and his cheeks, and he licks his lips on instinct. It does actually taste like cum - at least sort of, not totally dissimilar from Ted’s own - but it’s a little too salty, just slightly off.

“It’s not actually cum, but they did actually use your DNA to make us, dude, there’s probably some in there.” Ted can hear the grin in Evil Bill’s voice - but he says that while he’s brushing his thumb over Ted’s cheek, using it to push the rest of his cum into Ted’s mouth, having Ted suck it off his fingers, so Ted shivers anyways. “I think ET owes me way more than 5 bucks.”

Ted opens his eyes and tries to glare up at Evil Bill - but he’s still got his fingers in his mouth, so it probably isn’t very effective. Once he’s done cleaning them off, though, Ted pulls back. “What, cause you got me off twice? That doesn’t make you twice as right, dude.”

Evil Bill snorts. “Whatever, dude.” He climbs off of Ted, but just lays down beside him, so close their shoulders are still pressed together. “You should probably take a shower before that good me comes back - you totally reek of sex.”

It’s hard to tense up when he’s still practically boneless and just barely starting to feel sore - but Ted very nearly does. He closes his eyes and shoves uselessly at Evil Bill’s side. “Shut up, dude.”

“Ted, dude,” Evil Bill says quietly.

The tone is enough of a surprise that Ted turns his head, frowning. “What?”

“You’re - good, right? Cause if you guys decide to like, kill us again that would probably suck for us, too. Death probably won’t let us come back twice.”

It’s not exactly pillow talk, but it’s probably the closest thing Ted’s going to get to concern from an evil robot. He flushes, but he laughs a little. “Yeah, dude. I’m like, sore, but you didn’t actually hurt me. And Bill’s not gonna come after you, so we’re fine.” He presses his hands against his own stomach and stretches, feeling where he is sore - but also how good he feels, worn out and content. “I guess, too, like - if you wanted to come back - you know when Bill’s gone, you probably could,” he mumbles.

Evil Bill grins and wiggles his fingers against Ted’s until Ted wiggles his own back. “Station. I should probably get going, then. Gonna tell ET you gave me a stellar review.”

Ted rolls his eyes, but he sits up to watch Evil Bill put his clothes back on and get ready to leave. He makes it to the door of the bedroom, then turns back around, gives Ted a long look, eyes moving over every part of his body, and comes back to press a kiss against the hickey he left on Ted’s collar bone. Then he stands up, wiggles his thumb and pinky, and says, “Catch ya later, Ted,” with a grin, as he heads out the door.

After a few minutes of just trying to get all the feeling back in his arms and legs, Ted finally moves to stand up and stumble to the shower. He spends the time standing under the spray still thinking about Evil Robot Bill, and the absolutely transcendent sex - but he also starts trying to figure out what, if anything, he’s going to tell Bill.

If Bill finds out Ted’s just like, hanging around with one of their evil robot selves, he’s probably going to be pissed. It’s pretty clear to Ted, though, that without De Nomolos around they’re not exactly evil so much as they’re just kind of annoying. At the very least, they’re not really out for blood anymore - and Evil Robot Bill doesn’t even seem that selfish considering he got Ted off twice before he ever got off himself.

Ted shivers, even in the humid warmth of the shower, remembering what Evil Bill said about seeing how many times he could get Ted off. Usually when Ted masturbates in the shower, it’s basically just so he doesn’t have to do it where Bill might hear. He hasn’t really spent a lot of time trying to push his own limits.

There’s the added fact, though, that fucking Evil Robot Bill is probably just going to make Ted’s feelings for actual Bill way worse. Now he has all these things he can think about when he does jerk off - how Bill would look jerking off, or pushing into him. How it would feel to have Bill’s fingers inside him instead of his own - or even his cock. Ted turns the temperature of the water down, and lets the cooler water flow over his suddenly warm face.

He has no idea how he’s going to look Bill in the eye - but maybe, if he keeps having sex with Evil Robot Bill he can just - get it all out of his system somehow. Maybe if he just does everything he could possibly imagine, everything he would want, maybe he’ll just get over it.

In the meantime - Ted decides he won’t tell Bill unless Bill somehow finds out or figures it out. It would just make things way, way too weird.

That first night is most definitely awkward. Ted is still sleepy and sore from the afternoon, which makes it easier for him to zone out, accidentally staring at Bill. He keeps staring at Bill’s mouth, watching the way it moves, thinking about how he never kissed Evil Robot Bill, thinking about the mouth-shaped bruise still staining his collar bone.

Bill keeps waving a hand in front of his face, obviously concerned, asking if Ted is okay, and all Ted can do is flush, and nod, and hope that Bill won’t figure out exactly what’s wrong.

In the end he just goes to bed way earlier than usual, wearing a shirt to bed that he’s sure covers the hickey and wrapping himself up in the covers, still thinking about how it felt to have Evil Robot Bill pressing him down on this very bed. The sheets, in fact, still smell a little like sex, with the barest trace of something metallic. It’s strangely comforting as Ted forces himself to try and get some sleep.

For a couple of days after that first incident, Ted doesn’t hear or see anything from Evil Bill, and he starts to wonder if the whole thing was some kind of messed up fever dream. The bruise on his collarbone fades, and all Ted has left are his most vivid memories.

Then the next time Bill has a shift and Ted is bored at home, Evil Bill shows up and has his hands on Ted’s hips before the door even closes behind him.

He pushes Ted up against the wall beside the bedroom door, then pauses. “You still in, duder?”

Ted, already at a loss for words, just nods as hard as he can.

“Stellar,” Evil Bill says, and then he lifts Ted up, tugging one leg up around his waist, and carries him into the bedroom.

Even though he didn’t think Evil Bill would really come back, just from the memory of their last time, just for the feeling of it, he’s been fingering himself nearly every time he’s jerked off in the shower. He can still remember the way Bill’s fingers felt inside of him, and the way he’d felt cleaning off afterwards, loose and open, still wet with Evil Bill’s cum.

That means this time, once Ted is naked on the bed, and Evil Bill settles between his legs again, he rubs his fingers over Ted’s hole and finds him still a little loose, and he laughs.

“Looks like either good me finally manned up or you’ve been having some fun when he wasn’t looking. Which one is it?”

Ted flushes, his face suddenly hot with it, and shakes his head. “I told you, Bill doesn’t - it was just me, in the shower.”

“Thinking about him, or thinking about me?” Evil Bill asks, still rubbing little circles just to watch Ted squirm.

“Both, I guess, I - can you just get on with it, dude?”

Laughing again, Evil Bill ducks his head and licks over Ted’s hole, and Ted cries out, head thrown back, fingers twisting in the sheets again. “Turn over, dickweed. May as well eat you out since you’re already so loose.”

Whining, Ted pulls his shaking legs up and rolls over, settling on his hands and knees on the bed. Just as he catches his balance, Evil Bill gets frustrated with him and grabs onto his hips, tugging him closer. Ted’s hands slip a little, and then to make matters worse, Evil Bill leans up over him and pushes him down onto the bed, hand on the back of his neck.

“Yeah, just like that. Then later you can sleep in the wet spot, dweeb. Unless you wanna have to do laundry later, have him catch you at it.” Evil Bill bites hard at the nape of his neck. “Good luck explaining that one.”

It wouldn’t be that far-fetched, maybe, for Ted to just claim he’d spilled something in his bed and had to clean it up - but there’s something oddly appealing about sleeping on sex-stained sheets again, just hiding the worst of it from Bill, laying there and being able to think about it while he falls asleep. Ted whines, and turns his face to the side, rubbing his cheek against the sheets while they’re still cool underneath him.

“Thought you’d like that,” Evil Bill says. He works his way back down Ted’s spine, licking and biting just enough to leave marks that anyone might see if Ted’s shirt rides up. Then he squeezes at Ted’s hips, spreads him open, and ducks down to press his mouth against Ted’s hole again. He sucks for a moment, just to hear Ted whine. Then, slowly, he circles his tongue around Ted’s rim, a warm, wet tease.

Ted tries to push his hips back, arch into the touch, but Evil Bill’s grip on his ass and thighs is film, and he holds Ted in place, which is just as hot as it was last time. Before Ted can even get worked up enough to get desperate, though, Evil Bill presses in with his tongue, thrusting it just like he would his fingers. It’s not as deep, and nowhere near his prostate, but something about the heat of it and the new sensation has Ted pressing his face fully into the sheets and letting out something close to a sob.

It only gets worse when Evil Bill pulls back, chuckling, and spits right above Ted’s hole. The saliva slides down over Ted’s skin, and he shivers to feel it, clutching at the sheets and pulling them in close to his face, trying to muffle himself and all the absolutely ridiculous sounds he’s making.

“Oh you’re way into this, huh,” Evil Bill murmurs, pushing one finger inside Ted. That’s enough to make Ted arch his back again, but then Evil Bill pushes his tongue in right next to his finger, licking inside right as he curls his finger and brushes it against Ted’s prostate.

Soon, he’s thrusting with it, a slow, steady motion and Ted can feel himself letting out a desperate little moan with each push. With the way he’s panting and squirming, he’s got his open mouth pressed against the sheets, and he feels vaguely like he might be drooling, but he’s too caught up in sensation to care.

“ _ Nn _ \- Evil Bill, dude, please, fuck me, come on,” Ted manages to pant out in between thrusts, trying to turn his head enough to be heard.

“But it sounds so pretty when you beg, Ted,” Evil Bill says mockingly, pulling back and spitting over his finger again, pushing his own saliva into Ted’s hole.

Ted whines again, and Evil Bill pulls his finger out, leaving one last teasing lick behind before he leans back. “Please,” Ted pants out. “Please, dude, please, come on.”

“I’m not gonna fuck you without lube, dweeb.” Two of Evil Bill’s fingers, cool and slick, press inside of him. “At least not today.”

He scissors his fingers and gets Ted as slick as he can - and he uses enough lube that Ted can hear the slick sounds of it as his fingers pull out. Ted slowly pushes up onto his hands again and turns his head just enough that he can look back and watch as Evil Bill lubes himself up, hand sliding over his cock. He closes his eyes and commits the image to memory again - the sight of the V of Bill’s hips, the way it looks when the head of his cock peeks out from his fist.

That still tends to be most of what he comes back to when he jerks off - these snapshots of Bill, these vivid images that let him imagine what it would really be like if he didn’t have to fuck Bill’s evil robot twin. If he could have the real thing, instead.

All those thoughts totally fly out of his head, though, when Evil Bill pushes into him in one swift thrust. Ted’s elbows give out on him again, almost immediately, and he ends up back with his shoulders and face pressed against the mattress, hands clutching at the sheets, trying to get leverage.

“No way, dude,” Evil Bill says, placing a hand on the back of Ted’s neck, pressing him down. “Just stay there and let me do the work. I’m gonna fuck your brains out.”

Ted makes a noise, something between a whine and a moan, because he tries to speak but Evil Bill pulls his hips back and thrusts in again before he can get any words out. He thought last time was good - and it was - but this angle feels totally different. Evil Bill is even deeper somehow, and he’s brushing against Ted’s prostate already, pushing over it with every single thrust, and Ted is more lost in pleasure than he thought he could be without actually coming.

His cock is steadily leaking precum, he can feel it, wet against his thighs and his stomach - and there probably will be a wet spot on his sheets later, from that and from his mouth, from where he was drooling all over himself earlier.

Evil Bill fucks him until he comes untouched again, then turns Ted over onto his back while he’s still shivering and panting and jerks off onto his stomach.

Ted’s a mess - slick between his legs, covered in cum and spit and lube, and while he knows that he’s going to be feeling sticky sooner than he’d like, for the moment, there’s something most enticing about how messy he feels.

“If I had a camera, I’d take a picture, just so I could show Evil Ted. Maybe your boyfriend, too. You look totally hot like this.”

“Bill’s not my boyfriend,” Ted mumbles, but he closes his eyes, and he can barely put any real energy into the protest.

“Come on, dweeb. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Huh?” Ted mumbles, eyelids still fluttering, but he’s startled enough to fully open his eyes when Evil Bill picks him up.

Once they make it to the bathroom, Evil Bill pushes the toilet seat down and sits Ted on top of it. “You looked totally exhausted, dickweed. I didn’t even get you off more than once, but I’m not just gonna make you sleep in your bed like that unless you want to.”

Ted wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. “Yeah. Maybe not today. I mean - maybe some other time, or something.”

“I mean even if I did totally fuck you out I could probably still get you a washcloth or something,” Evil Bill says. He runs one under the sink as he’s speaking, and uses it to gently wipe off Ted’s stomach and chest. Then he shoves it into Ted’s hand. “There. Think you can walk back to your bedroom after?”

“Uh.” Ted stretches out his legs and wiggles his toes. “Yeah, probably. I don’t think you like, broke me or anything.”

“Well if I did I wouldn’t get to fuck you again,” Evil Bill says with a grin.

Ted flushes at that, and lifts his hips enough to finish wiping himself off - at least as well as he’s gonna be able to without taking a shower, and he really doesn’t want to stand up for that long right now.

“I’m gonna head out, though. Catch you later, Ted. See you next time.” He sticks out his tongue as he wiggles his hand, then ducks back out of the bathroom, presumably to get dressed and leave. Ted hears the front door close when he does.

That second time is the beginning of a pattern. Ted stops wondering  _ if _ Evil Bill is going to come back, just when. It’s always when Bill is gone, and won’t be home for a while, whether he’s at work or stopping by to visit his dad or Missy. Somehow Evil Bill always knows when they’ll have enough time to have sex, and he’ll just show up. Ted doesn’t have to get in touch with him - and honestly, if he did, he wouldn’t really know how.

It happens a couple of times a week, though, at least. Bill and Ted aren’t allowed to work the same shift, after all, since their boss thinks they’re too much of a distraction when they’re scheduled together. That means there’s actually a lot of times Ted is home and Bill isn’t.

Ted keeps waiting for the moment where Evil Bill shows up and he finally feels done - when he does actually manage to get it all out of his system. They’ve done almost every sexual thing Ted can think of, including some he didn’t even really know about, and all Ted wants is more.

Worse than that, it’s still all he can think about when he’s around actual Bill. He knows that sex with Bill would be different. He knows he shouldn’t think about it, that the whole point of this was to stop trying, but now he has the details to get lost in all sorts of little fantasies. He thinks of how Bill might flush or laugh if Ted reached out and touched him the right way. The way he might shiver, or react, the way Evil Bill never really does. The way he might laugh, sweet and happy, and Ted could laugh with him, and lean up for a kiss. The way that Bill might fuck him, slowly and gently, like it was about more than just sex.

He’s as close to all of that as he’s ever going to get, though. Bill doesn’t want that stuff, and he’s just lucky Evil Bill does.

Ted worries sometimes, that Bill is starting to notice that something is wrong - but if he does, he doesn’t say anything. And the longer things go on, the more certain Ted becomes that he can never tell Bill.

They’re well into week three when that even comes up with Evil Bill.

It’s not the first time that Evil Bill has sucked him off, but it’s the first time they’ve done it like this, with Ted sitting on the edge of the bed and Evil Bill kneeling between his legs. Ted can see everything like this, the way Bill’s lips look wrapped around his cock, the way his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. He reaches down, slowly, and pushes one hand into Bill’s curls, just staring as much as he’s doing anything else, totally overwhelmed by the image more even than the warm, wet heat of Evil Bill’s mouth.

Then Evil Bill pulls off, keeping one hand wrapped around Ted’s cock as he pulls off with a slick sound. “You know some time if you wanted to fuck my face, we could just pop my head off,” he says. There’s still a single strand of spittle, dangling from Bill’s lips to Ted’s cock, and Ted reaches down, hypnotized, to brush it away before the words really catch up to him.

“Huh?” Ted asks, blinking.

“Me and ET do it all the time. Makes for some most excellent positions. Too bad you dweebs can’t do it.”

Ted frowns, trying to press his thighs closer together and ignore his hard cock, in spite of Evil Bill still having one hand wrapped around it. “Are you saying you guys are - actually together?”

“Together? Don’t be such a fairy, dude. We fuck like, basically every day. Especially if I don’t come see you, but sometimes even if I do. Evil Ted likes to hear about it. Gets him hot,” Evil Bill says, starting to tug at Ted’s cock again as he grins.

“But if you guys are - doing that stuff, why are you here?”

“Cause it’s fun? And you obviously still want me here. And like I said, ET thinks it’s hot. He’s totally down to watch sometime, if you’re in the mood.”

Ted’s cock twitches in Evil Bill’s grip, but he shakes his head. “No way, that’s - it’s already weird enough that we’re still doing this and Bill doesn’t even know about it, dude.”

Evil Bill’s eyebrows shoot up, and he finally lets go of Ted’s cock. “You guys seriously still aren’t boning? After all this? I thought it would have taken you, like, a couple of weeks. It’s been a whole month, duder.”

“I know that,” Ted tells him, flushing. He finally shoves Evil Bill back and presses his legs together, curling in on himself as he gets embarrassed. “This is - I think maybe I made a mistake.”

“Come on, don’t wimp out on me now, dweeb.”

“There’s just no way for me to tell Bill about this. I wouldn’t even know where to start and he’s gonna be - most disgusted with me, dude. You know why I do this, and you don’t care because you’re evil. And I’m - something’s wrong with me. Bill’s not like that.”

Groaning, Evil Bill rolls his eyes. “God, you’re so dramatic, dude. Have you ever even asked him? Like have you even tried to fuck him?”

“Of course not, dude!” Ted kicks lightly at Evil Bill, pressing him further back with his foot as he crosses his arms. “He’s not into dudes. I don’t need to hear him say no, I already know, okay? You guys are different. Stop trying to get me to do it just so you can laugh about it or something.”

“I bet we’re not that different. I bet you five bucks that if you went for it he’d totally be into you.”

“Dude, shut up,” Ted tells him, sitting up and reaching over to grab his hair. “Just - shut up and suck me off or something.”

Evil Bill grins at that, places his hands on Ted’s thighs, and leans back in. “Hot,” he says as he wraps a hand around the base of Ted’s cock. He looks up through his eyelashes as he licks over the head, and Ted closes his eyes, tilts his head back, and moans.

The conversation is most definitely over after that. Evil Bill sucks him off and fingers him until he comes, then gets Ted on his knees and fucks his face, one hand fisted in Ted’s hair. When afterwards, Ted is shivering and half-hard again, Evil Bill pulls him close on the bed, one arm wrapped around his shoulders, and jerks him off, leaving a trail of hickeys all along his shoulder while he does so.

He’s so sore and wrung out after, in the best way, that Ted almost forgets him and Bill ever came up - or that the Evil robots are apparently like, a thing, if not a couple.

For the whole next week, though, whenever he comes around, Evil Bill just keeps casually bringing up Evil Ted, or asking about Bill until Ted tells him to shut up and get on with it.

Ted doesn’t figure out why until Friday, when Evil Bill gets there way later than usual, right before Bill is supposed to get back. The sun is starting to set, and Ted had started to wonder if Evil Bill was gonna show up at all, but he comes through the door and pulls Ted up off the couch into his arms, face against his neck.

“Dude - EB, Bill’s probably gonna be back like really soon, couldn’t you have timed this out a little better?”

Evil Bill scoffs. “Like I couldn’t get you off before he got here if I really wanted to,” he says, running his hand down Ted’s stomach and rubbing hard over Ted’s cock where he’s still soft in his jeans. He whimpers at the touch, and his hips twitch forward. “Don’t worry, though. He’s probably gonna be busy.”

“Busy with - what, dude?” Ted asks, closing his eyes and panting as he starts to get into it.

Only Ted doesn’t find out with what, because he hears the pounding footsteps on the stairs, and then there’s Bill, standing in the doorway, looking pissed off and flushed, like he ran here.

“Dude, not you, too,” Bill says from the door.

Evil Robot Bill’s hands are still on Ted’s hips, his face still pressed against Ted’s neck. When he turns to peek over at Bill, Ted can feel it.

Ted’s own hands just sort of hover uselessly in the air, resisting the urge to land on Evil Bill’s shoulders, the way they normally would have if Bill hadn’t interrupted.

“Uh-” Ted starts, but Bill cuts him off.

“Evil Ted’s been after me like - every other day for like a week now, I should have known it wasn’t just him. Can’t you two just leave us alone?”

That actually makes Evil Bill turn, though one of his fingers stays hooked in Ted’s belt loop. “You really won’t fuck him? No wonder he’s been such a bitch.”

“Dude, we’re not gonna fuck you guys, it’d be totally weird!” Bill says, crossing his arms.

Ted stumbles back, and Evil Robot Bill finally lets him go. He ducks his head, trying to hide his face, and looks over at the wall. “Yeah, that’s - he’s not gonna fuck Evil Ted, dude. I don’t know why you were trying, I didn’t - you didn’t tell me that was like the-”

“ET was only trying to prove a point after I told him about what you said - it’s not his fault this other me is such a dipshit.”

“Who are you calling a dipshit?”

It’s obvious that if Ted doesn’t intervene, Bill’s going to try to fight the robot version of himself again - and he’s only going to get hurt. Still scared to look Bill in the eye, though, Ted goes over to step in front of Evil Bill, hands on his shoulders, and shakes his head. “Don’t - just don’t, dude. He’s not gonna kill you, and it’s just gonna be stupid if you guys get in a fight, okay?”

“Ted, why are you even talking to him, dude?”

Finally, Ted turns to try and begin to explain, but the confusion on Bill’s face makes him freeze again.

“I’ve been fucking his brains out for like a month, dude,” Evil Bill says, instead.

It’s so jarring to hear it out loud that Ted doesn’t have any idea how to respond. He should just deny it, try to pass it off, but instead , he’s so caught up in the fact that he trusted Evil Bill, tried so hard not to let this ruin everything else, that he turns and shoves uselessly at Evil Bill’s shoulders. “Dude, you promised me you weren’t gonna say anything!”

“That was because I thought you guys could work your shit out way sooner than this! I thought you’d be fucking each other within like a week, I didn’t think you were gonna be moping around between afternoon screws all the time, it’s a total bummer. Me and ET have way more fun. No offense, cause - if you two can figure it out, we’d totally be down for a foursome, but - don’t call us til you’re less of a bummer, okay?”

“There’s not gonna be anything to figure out,” Ted says quietly, but Evil Bill’s already wiggling his fingers and heading out the door.

Bill’s just standing there. He doesn’t move to chase down Evil Bill, or even close the door - and Ted can’t stand the idea of the look he probably has on his face. Already he feels like he’s gonna be sick, and that’s without having to see the disgust or the anger, or whatever else might be hiding in Bill’s expression.

Everything’s gonna be totally ruined, just because Ted couldn’t keep it in his pants. Slowly, he goes over and grabs his jacket and pulls it on, shoving his hands into his pockets. Then he walks towards the door, only hesitating when he can see Bill’s feet out of the corner of his eye. “I’m - gonna go for a walk, okay? If you - if you want me to like - stay at Missy’s tonight I can, or I can just sleep on the couch when I get home. I won’t - I won’t get near you. I promise. Okay?”

Ted takes a couple of steps towards the door before Bill reaches out and catches the sleeve of his hoodie. He doesn’t even realize that’s what’s stopping him until he turns his head enough to look.

“What?” Bill asks.

“What - dude, what do you mean what?”

“But - he wasn’t - Ted, he was lying, right?”

Gently, Ted tugs his arm out of reach so that Bill loses the grip on his sleeve. Then, slowly, he shakes his head. “He wasn’t, dude. I - he showed up like a month ago.”

“What’d he make you do?” Bill asks.

“He didn’t make me do anything,” Ted tells him, shaking his head. “He wouldn’t do anything until I said yes. They’re evil, dude, but they’re not like - monsters. They’re still kind of us in there somewhere. Except - you know apparently this you wanted-” Ted pauses, and swallows. “I guess there’s some differences, you know? I really - I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I knew that it was…” Ted trails off. He sighs, and scuffs his shoe against the floor. “I know I fucked up. Okay? I know it was a bad idea. I just did it anyway. And I know you’re grossed out and stuff, so you don’t have to tell me, just let me go to Missy’s and then maybe if I - if I do it right and I don’t bother you, we can just forget about it.”

“You - why, though? Why’d you do it?”

Ted shakes his head, and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block everything out. “Please don’t make me say it, dude. Cause if I don’t say it maybe you can just pretend you don’t know, right?”

“But Ted, I don’t - he looks just like me. You just said they’re not totally different, is it just - are you like into the evil stuff?”

“Into the-” That, finally, surprises Ted into looking up and over at Bill. He does it on instinct, and then freezes - but Bill doesn’t really look disgusted or scared of Ted or angry or any of that stuff. He kind of just looks sad. “I’m not into the evil stuff,” Ted tells him. Then he has to look away again, unable to make eye contact while he says what Bill’s apparently going to force him to say. “He just - asked, dude. He knew I’d be into it, and he asked.”

“Into what?”

“Into you, dude! The fact that he looks like you was the whole point, okay?” Ted mumbles, ashamed, and he feels the weight of what he’s said sink like a cold stone in his stomach. He shrinks into himself, his shoulders curling up as he ducks his head between them, trying to hide as much as he can without moving. “Sorry. I told you I didn’t wanna say it.”

“Then what does he have that I don’t?” Bill asks.

Ted can’t imagine a more unexpected question coming out of Bill’s mouth. He lifts his head up again, and shakes his hair out of his face, convinced he must have heard wrong. “What?”

“Why - why him and not me, then? I don’t get it.” Still confused, Ted turns around and looks at Bill - really looks at him. It’s obvious, now, how upset he is. His hands are clenched into fists at his sides, but they’re shaking a little. He won’t make eye contact with Ted.

“Cause you wouldn’t, dude. And I know it probably wasn’t the best way, but I wanted to respect that you wouldn’t, so I just tried to get it out of my system, you know?”

“Get it - out of your system?” Bill repeats, finally glancing up at him.

“I thought it would help.”

“And - did it?”

Looking down, Ted shakes his head. “No. Sorry. That’s why I was gonna - leave and stuff.”

“I don’t want you to leave, dude.” He reaches out, hesitantly, and tugs on Ted’s sleeve again.

Ted looks down at his hand, and feels himself relax a little for the first time since Bill walked in. “Are we okay, then? You’re not like - grossed out?”

“Grossed out? No, just-“ Bill sighs and tightens his grip on Ted’s sleeve. “I’m kind of mad but not-“ Ted tenses up, and Bill’s hand slides down, squeezing gently at Ted’s wrist. “Not at you, dude, I promise. At - me, I guess or maybe just. Evil me? I don’t know.”

“Why would you be mad at yourself? You didn’t do anything, I’m the one that-“ Even now, Ted doesn’t wanna say it out loud. He squeezes his eyes shut again, and Bill’s thumb rubs over his wrist. “I’m the one that fucked up.”

“Cause if I had done things right you wouldn’t have had to sleep with Evil Bill, dude.”

Ted’s brow furrows as he frowns down at the carpet. He still doesn’t understand what Bill could mean, and it’s enough to make him lift his head and find Bill’s eyes, “Why not? Just cause-“

“Cause I should have said something first, dude. Or - at least made you know I would never be grossed out. You’re - Ted, you’re you. No matter what, dude, I’m never gonna want you to leave and I - it feels most heinous that you thought I would ever be disgusted with you, Ted.”

“Said what first?” Ted presses, shaking his head, his hair falling into his face. He steps closer to Bill, though, feeling drawn in by Bill’s gentle tone, and the warmth in his eyes, the persistent comfort of Bill’s thumb pressed to the pulse in his wrist.

“That I like you, dude. Like - you know.” Bill flushes. “Like maybe I did kind of - think about getting it on with Evil Ted, even though I didn’t do it. After he offered.”

“No way,” Ted says softly, letting Bill pull him all the way in, close enough their chests are almost brushing. Ted’s heart is pounding in his chest.

“Yes way, Ted,” Bill tells him, laughing a little. “If you’re gross, dude - I guess I’m gross, too.”

Relief sweeps through Ted, and he shuffles a little closer. “Well then - maybe we’re not gross.”

Bill shrugs, and places a hand on the back of Ted’s neck. “So what if we are? It’s fine, dude. It’s just us. And I-” As he pauses, Bill’s flush deepens, his face going red. “I love you no matter what, dude.”

“Bill,” Ted says softly, totally overwhelmed. Bill’s eyes are focused on his face, so full of obvious affection that Ted almost can’t stand to meet his gaze. Bill looks beautiful in the light of the golden sunset, still streaming in from the windows. His mouth is as pink as his cheeks, and the way the shadows fall under his jawline makes it look even sharper than usual, bringing out all the most transcendent and statuesque parts of Bill’s face.

Ted kind of wants to stare at him forever, now that he can - but he also can’t stop himself from ducking his head and pressing his lips against Bill’s in one short, messy kiss. 

He pulls back quickly, and huffs out a little breath against Bill’s mouth. “Sorry, I - we never kissed. Me and Evil Bill I mean, so if I’m still not very good at it-”

“Shut up, Ted,” Bill says, but he says it with a smile, with laughter in his voice, all soft and fond and nothing like Evil Bill.

When Bill tugs on the back of his neck, Ted leans into the touch gratefully, and kisses Bill again. This one is slow - warm and lingering, if a little wet when Ted tries to lick into Bill’s mouth. They both pull back with a little laugh, though, and they just try again, biting playfully at each other’s lips. Bill pushes his tongue into Ted’s mouth, and Ted pushes back, their tongues touching gently, and they both shiver.

“Whoa,” Ted says as he pulls back, eyes still closed.

“Yeah,” Bill agrees.

Ted lets his eyes flutter open, and he can see where Bill’s lips are still damp. He licks his own, and he can see as Bill’s eyes fall to his mouth, watching him do it.

“So you - you and Evil Bill never kissed, is there anything else you didn’t do?”

“Uh,” Ted says, pulling back a little more as he can feel his face heat up. “There’s not much, dude. We kind of - he did… a lot of stuff.”

“Like what?” Bill asks.

“I don’t really think you wanna hear about it, dude. Do you?”

Bill licks his lips again and shrugs. “I mean - it was good, right? He made you feel good?”

Ted nods, his flush deepening. “Well - yeah. Like,” Ted pauses, and watches the way that Bill’s breathing has picked up. His chest rises and falls with it, and his mouth is hanging open, just a little. He’s clearly turned on - because apparently he’s like, into it. It gives Ted the courage to push forward. “Like one time he got me off like three times in one afternoon, dude.”

“Whoa,” Bill says, exhaling sharply. He looks down, down towards Ted’s cock, which twitches at the attention. Then he places one hand on Ted’s thigh, squeezing gently with one thumb sliding towards his inseam. “I didn’t even know you could do that.”

“I didn’t either,” Ted tells him, laughing a little.

Looking back up at his face, Bill grins, and he pets there at the crease of Ted’s groin with his thumb, rubbing back and forth over the denim. “That’s totally hot, dude. Keep going. Tell me more.”

“Okay but - let’s go sit down, dude, or my knees are gonna give out,” Ted tells him, placing his hand over Bill’s.

Bill chuckles, and he squeezes Ted’s thigh again. “Probably a good idea, yeah.” Then he tangles his fingers with Ted’s and pulls him over towards the couch.

They fall onto it together, giggling a little as they settle in, pressed together from shoulder to thigh, Bill’s hand sliding over to press against the inseam of Ted’s jeans again, knuckles dragging against the rough fabric. Ted’s started to chub up enough that he can see the shape of it through his jeans - and he knows that Bill can, too.

“So tell me,” Bill says, rubbing little circles so close to where Ted really wants him.

“Well that one afternoon - he started just with fingering me. The first time he ever showed up, I got off just from his fingers. He’s like, really good at it.”

Bill moves his hand up, cupping Ted through his jeans, tracing the shape of him with his thumb. “So you really like it?” Ted nods, panting a little as he tilts his head back. “How does it feel? Tell me. I wanna know how to make you feel good, Ted.”

“He - well I told him about how sometimes I do it by myself, in the shower. I used to just - slide one finger or two inside of myself, and think about-” Ted stops, and exhales, pushing his hips up into Bill’s hand.

“About?” Bill prompts. “It’s just me, dude. I’ve got you. You don’t have to be embarrassed anymore.”

Ted shivers, and whines, turning his head to press his face against Bill’s shoulder. “About you, dude. I thought about your hands and your fingers and - what it would be like. And there’s this spot - I could never really get it on my own, but I guess - I guess Evil Ted’s is like right in the same place, and so whenever Evil Bill got me off the first time, he got it like, first try. It’s - just the fingers are nice anyways, I like the way it feels, it makes everything else just feel like - more, like I get sensitive all over. But that one spot, dude, it’s totally overwhelming, and you can just get lost in it. Sometimes I can come just from that, without him even touching my cock.”

“Really?” Bill asks, sounding breathless and totally captivated.

“Yeah, dude,” Ted says, nodding against his shoulder. “Like it’s happened more than once. I think maybe I’m just - sensitive, I don’t know. But it feels so good.”

Bill pops the button on Ted’s jeans and unzips them enough to slide his hand inside. He slides his other hand into Ted’s hair and pushes it back from his face, turning to press his mouth against Ted’s cheek. “God, dude, you’re so hot. Just - thinking about it - I wanna see, Ted.” He wraps his hand around Ted’s cock, through his boxers. “Can I see?”

Ted moves his face enough to gasp in the open air of the living room. He’s still got his nose pressed against Bill’s jaw, and he nods. “Yeah, please, whatever you want, Bill.”

“I just want you, dude.”

At first, Bill starts to pull Ted’s cock out of his boxers, but instead, Ted leans back and shimmies his pants and boxers down over his hips, getting them out of the way. He loses his balance a little, though, and sprawls back against the cushions. When he shakes his hair out of his face, Bill is already next to him again, half on top of him, hand pushing up under his shirt to pet over Ted’s tummy and the trail of hair leading down to his cock.

“Come on, keep going,” Bill tells him, murmuring the words against his ear.

“I - I can try dude, but-” Bill’s hand wraps around his cock, skin against skin, finally, and Ted pushes his hips up with a whine. Bill lets him, follows his movement, letting Ted thrust into the tight grip of his fist. “He’s actually never just - jerked me off before when he wasn’t doing something else, and I - he never lets me talk this much and I never get to just watch and the way - the way your hand looks,  _ Bill _ -”

Bill rubs his thumb in a circle around the head of Ted’s cock and kisses right under Ted’s ear, biting a little. “It’s okay, then. Talk. Tell me whatever you want. I just wanna watch you come, Ted.”

Somehow, that one sentence is hotter than anything Evil Bill has ever said. Ted thrusts up into Bill’s grip just a few more times and then he’s gone, cock twitching, cum spilling all over Bill’s fingers.

Ted leans back against the couch, breathing heavily as he recovers, and he watches as Bill brings his hand up to his mouth, still covered in Ted’s cum, and licks at his thumb, testing. “Not bad,” Bill says, smirking.

The sight of Bill’s tongue peeking out from between his lips, moving over his own hand, cleaning off Ted’s cum is so much that Ted has to close his eyes and throw his head back against the back of the couch again. “Bill, dude, I just came, come on.”

Laughing, Bill leans in close to him again. “You’re into that?”

“I’m into you - but. Maybe also into that, dude.”

Bill chuckles, and when Ted opens his eyes and finds Bill’s face within reaching distance, he pulls him close by the back of his neck and kisses him again, deeply. He can still taste himself on Bill’s tongue, and it makes him moan, licking deeper and pressing closer, something about it way hotter than Ted ever expected it to be.

When he pulls back, still dazed, he looks down and finally sees Bill, hard in his jeans. Ted reaches out, slowly, trails his fingers over Bill’s zipper, barely pressing down at all, just totally absorbed in having proof that Bill wants him - and most definitely isn’t disgusted by any of this. “Dude,” Ted says softly.

“Did you not get to touch him?” Bill asks, his voice soft even as he nudges his hips forward against Ted’s hand.

“I mean sometimes he let me. And he fucked me, like a lot, so it’s not like - you know but - I guess maybe he thought handjobs were boring or something? I got to suck him off a couple of times. Good practice, I guess,” Ted says. The whole time, he just moves his hand up and down over Bill’s dick, slowly increasing his pressure until he’s finally wrapped his hand around the shape, through the denim, still stroking with his thumb. “But no he never really just let me. Jerk him off.”

“Is that what you want?” Bill asks, placing his hand over Ted’s tangling their fingers together and pushing up against Ted’s palm.

Ted laughs a little, and turns to push his flushed face against Bill’s shoulder again. “I mean, I guess to start with.” He wants Bill close, though - wants to feel him and watch him, not just try to lean over him and get an awkward angle. He wants this to be good. He pulls back and blinks up at Bill, pausing for a moment to appreciate Bill’s heated look, his dilated pupils and his hooded eyes. “Can you sit in my lap? Or just - like, in between my legs. I can put my head on your shoulder and that way I can like - watch.”

“Okay,” Bill says, easy. He smiles, and kisses Ted slowly, soft and wet, with one teasing bite to his lower lip. Then he shifts around, settling between Ted’s open legs, his back against Ted’s chest. “You should talk to me, though. Tell me stuff. Stuff you thought about or stuff you did. Just keep talking.”

Ted hooks his head over Bill’s shoulder, nuzzles at the hard line of Bill’s jaw, and laughs. “Dude, if it’s stuff I thought about we’ll be here all week.”

“I could stay here all week as long as we get off more than once,” Bill says, tilting his own head back to shift the angle and kiss Ted’s chin, then his cheek, then finally the corner of his mouth.

“Don’t tempt me, dude. We’ve got work.”

Ted grins, though, as he finally unfastens Bill’s jeans and pushes them down, followed by Bill’s boxers. When Bill’s cock nudges up against his stomach, Ted just stares for a moment, captivated. However it happened - and Ted really doesn’t want to think about that when he’s about to get to touch Bill’s cock for the first time - Evil Bill really does have an exact replica. The vein is in the same place, those curls right above it look just the same - and it does curve to the left. Ted’s mouth falls open, his jaw working, and he turns his head to nuzzle in at Bill’s temple.

“What is it - oh - is it like, different?” Bill asks, sounding a little self-conscious.

“No way, dude, they’re like exactly the same,” Ted pants out, murmuring in between desperate kisses he presses to Bill’s cheek, his jaw, his neck. “You’re gonna fuck me so good, dude. It feels so good, but it’s gonna be like a hundred times better, cause it’s you.”

Bill’s cock twitches at that, visibly, and Ted whines before he reaches down and wraps his hand around it, rubbing his thumb along the vein, following it all the way up to the head. That makes Bill whine - and it’s a sound that Ted’s never heard, Evil Bill’s never made one even close to that, and Ted has to wrap an arm around Bill’s waist at that and pull him closer.

“I can’t believe I’ve been - every time I finger myself in the shower I think about it, I kept wondering what your cock actually looked like, cause I always tried to make sure I wasn’t looking when you were changing, but now I know.” Ted squeezes a little for emphasis, and Bill thrusts up into his hand. “I even know how you’re gonna feel inside me. It’s gonna be - transcendent, dude, once we get it right. We might have to practice a little, but it’s gonna feel so good.”

“I wanna - I want to, Ted, I wanna be inside you.”

“You can. You’re gonna. We can do whatever you want, dude. Plus there’s this thing-” Ted shivers a little, and he twists his hand and speeds up his hand as best he can. “There’s this thing Evil Bill does where he uses his mouth instead of his fingers. I know it might sound kind of weird-”

Only that - that, of all things, is what makes Bill push up into his grip, tense up all over, and come.

Ted turns enough to really get a look at Bill’s face - at his wet, open mouth, at his flushed cheeks, at his furrowed brow and the way his eyes are squeezed shut. He looks beautiful. Ted wishes for a moment he could take a picture, but since he knows he can’t, he just realizes he wants to see that look on Bill’s face - make him feel this good, as often as he possibly can.

“Dude, we should definitely try that,” Bill says, still breathless, and he turns in Ted’s lap enough to press a kiss against Ted’s lips..

“Yeah, I kind of got the idea you might be into it, dude,” Ted tells him with a giggle.

“Shut up, Ted,” Bill says - but again, he says it softly, starting to grin, and pulls Ted into another kiss.

With both of their pants still undone and pushed down, when Bill presses close in his lap, Ted can feel where their soft cocks nudge up against each other, and it makes him flush. There’s something comfortable about it - another way they can be close to each other, one Ted had barely even considered.

When their lips part with a soft, wet sound, Ted smiles again and nudges their noses together as he laughs. “Bill that was - most transcendent.”

“Agreed, Ted, my friend,” Bill says, kissing Ted on the cheek. “But now we should probably clean up and have some dinner before we go to bed.”

“Can we just-” Ted stops himself, though, and flushes. “I mean, you’re probably right.”

“Ted, dude, come on. Whatever you want, it’s okay. I’m probably not gonna say no.” Bill kisses Ted’s jaw, and smiles. “I mean, even if I did I’m never gonna get mad or grossed out or any of that stuff. I promise.”

If there’s anything Bill’s proven today, it’s certainly that. Ted exhales, and nods. “Yeah, okay. Sorry. Could we just - lay here for a minute? Just so I could hold you?”

“Of course, dude,” Bill says, and he shifts, encouraging Ted to lay back on the couch and settling gently on top of him. They both get laid out over the cushions, and Bill places his hand on Ted’s stomach, stroking gently over his skin before he laughs. “Guess the evil robot me isn’t much of a cuddler, huh?”

Ted shakes his head. “No way, dude. I mean - to be fair he helped me clean up a couple of times, but - he usually just totally ran out on me.” He wraps his arms tightly around Bill’s shoulders, and presses his face into Bill’s hair. “This is nice. Like - really nice.”

“Yeah, it is,” Bill says softly, nuzzling against Ted’s neck. “Don’t fall asleep yet, though, dude. Like I said. Clean-up and dinner.”

“Mmhmm,” Ted agrees, nodding with his eyes closed.

“Guess if you do doze off, though, I can probably wake you up if I need to.”

Ted blinks his eyes open just enough to smile dazedly up at the ceiling. Maybe he should send Evil Bill a thank you or something. Or - maybe just call him up for the foursome, if Bill’s into it, maybe that’s basically the same thing. He kisses Bill’s curls, and listens to his breathing slow, and with Bill’s weight still heavy against his chest, he closes his eyes, feeling totally at ease.

**Author's Note:**

> if you know my main ao3. no you don't. don't perceive me. but also you can find my nsfw twitter @showbenis.
> 
> hello everyone from the discord who does in fact know who i am, please don't perceive me too hard


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